Atlanta. More specifically, Panera Bread across the street from Emory University. No one but myself, so a very particular one. Work.

Up to now, I’ve despised the ATL and dreaded every visit. But this time down has been nice. I found a really cool area called Little Five Points with some well-stocked record stores, chic, retro clothing and t-shirt boutiques, a hodgepodge of ethnicity, and a wealth of young, funky, artsy-types hanging out on every corner. All that, and Fat Tire is now distributed on the East Coast, but apparently hasn’t made it to an area near me, so I partook of two pints over a delicious BBQ dinner.

Traveling alone is a funny thing. It makes me think that I’d probably have a drinking problem if I was single. I get so lonely when I’m in these cool places by myself, and all I really want is to share these experiences with people I’m close to. However, I’m becoming more and more shy as I age, and it takes more and more alcohol to bring me out of my shell. If I was single, I think I’d be drinking all the time just to get up the nerve to make friends with whom I could share my life. THANK GOD, I’ve got a wonderful wife, beautiful son, great friends, and no drinking problem.

I’m headed back to North Jersey today with increased resolve to enjoy life where ever I am, with whom ever life presents, and for no other reason than the fact that life is so precious. I tend to be a “grass is greener” kind of person, but it seldom is. The second half of that phrase ought to be something like, “The grass is always greener on the other side… except where it’s scorched and dead.” Perhaps if I invest myself in this lawn, for however long I’m meant to tend it, I’ll find that it grows greener and I appreciate it more. But there will always be a brown, scorched patch where Red Oak is meant to be.

It’s much harder to post these days. Maybe it’s the birth of Noah, working full-time, going back to school, being married to a PhD student, running, trying to be a musician, or too much TV. It’s probably that last one.

I’m in ATL tonight, so I’ve got a brief respite from a few of those things listed above. I’m traveling for work. It’s sad to be away from my family, and I know it means that Kat has to do the work of two people, but it does mean that I get to do things like post to my blog, walk around Emory University, and have delicious BBQ at Fox Brothers. Those things are good. Missing my wife and my son is bad.

I don’t know what to say on my blog anymore. Perhaps I should give the blog a theme like restaurant reviews, or parenting advice, or theological musings. The problem with me is: as soon as I decided to box myself in with a theme, I’d want to post about something unrelated to the theme, and then I’d feel bitter about having a theme and decide to stop blogging altogether. What a WIERDO I am!!

Well, this post has not theme. But my purpose was to say “hello” to all my friends who still check out the blog, and that has been accomplished. I hope you’re well!!

From time to time, I get to feeling like I haven’t done anything significant with my life. I have to remind myself of all that I’ve accomplished in order to shake off that not-so-fresh feeling. In general, I am quite productive and set ridiculously high standards for almost everything I do, and nearly always exceed them. Maybe it’s that perfectionism that leaves me feeling so dissatisfied. Nevertheless, I made a list of the 10 things I’m most proud of from my twenties. The good news is… I’m only 27!

1) Got married, stayed married
2) Started the Jonah Project (with the help of several other people)
3) Completed BA and MA degrees
4) private
5) Released Rain In the Desert
6) Traveled to India
7) Published (2) articles in The Journal of Student Ministries
8 Trained to run 1/4 marathon
9) Served in Colombia with YWAM
10) Developed and maintain lifelong friendships

One of my professors told me recently that I should be keeping a journal of this time in my life. For reasons that I won’t explain here, I’m going to start doing that.

One thing I will comment on publicly is the fact that I have been really sensitive lately. I’m a hyper-sensitive person naturally (to a fault), so when I find myself even more sensitive than normal, I start creating conversations, events, whole worlds that don’t actually exist. I start reading a lot into off-handed comments, and imposing a whole lot of attitude on emails that were probably meant neutrally at worst.

Two conditions contribute significantly to my heightened sensitivity: 1) increased stress; 2) lack of affirmation. My increased stress has everything to do with the life conditions that I’m not going to comment on here. I’ll simply say that some stress is positive stress, some is not, and I’ve got both. A lack of affirmation is a far trickier thing because it’s much more subtle. What is affirmation? Is it something I give myself? Is it something others give me? Is it a compliment? Is it occasional? Is it a confirmation of my person? Is it the confirmation of a calling? Is it fundamental to my being? Well, yes.

As far as compliments go, I’ve got those. Compliments are like potato chips–they’re delicious, but they don’t fill you up and you can’t have just one. I can eat a whole bag of chips and still want dinner.

How do I affirm myself? Well, I suppose I remind myself of what I know to be true about my peson, my world and the people around me. Sometimes that means I affirm myself over and against others. That’s often therapeutic and necessary, but it’s hardly ever satisfying in and of itself.

I remind myself of what I know to be true: I am created in God’s image and have inherent worth and beauty; The center of my person is that imago Dei, everything else waxes and wanes; God’s love is for all people, including me, so we all deserve respect and to be treated with dignity; I am not God; I am finite and faulted.

How do others offer me affirmation? This one is tricky, because we all know people who go around needy of others’ world-shaping words, apparently incapable of affirming themselves. That isn’t healthy, and we all make efforts to avoid these people within the limits of social niceties (at least I do… if I’m honest). Still, I’m Reformed and I believe we need communities to affirm our callings, which in our culture is directly connected to one’s personhood.

Affirmation is in the details. It lies in others’ abilities to pinpoint the specific qualities that make us capable and skilled at particular tasks. Because we are one way, or have developed one set of qualities and abilities, we are able to make this or that particular contribution to the community, which in turn affects the world. Joseph Myers, in Organic Community, says that we live in a world in which people need to hear specifically what qualifies them to do what is needed by the community. In our world of anonymity and collective information, each of us needs to know what I can do to make the world better; what I can do to make my church better; what I can do to make my family better. I think this also has to do with the development of a specialist mentality in much of the Northern World (not using the East-West dichotomy anymore), where people believe they are highly suited for one very particular living condition and will search that out through various career paths, marriages, geographies, etc. Information, mobility and affluence are both the chicken and the egg in the sense that people’s searching is cyclical and generally produces more searching, rather than the desired living condition.

We have become hunters who can no longer gather.

I digress.

So, I’m really sensitive these days, and I’m searching, and I’m not gathering. Is affirmation the key to happiness? I don’t know. I never seem to have enough to know if it can sustain me. I will persist reminding myself that God is at my core, and everything else revolves around that core, coming and going, hunting and searching, longing for meaning in a specialist’s world.